The last few days have been rough.
There is no particular reason why,
And depression can be like that.
It doesn't always give us a good reason for its attack, it just happens.
Since becoming aware of my depression I spend a lot of time preparing for its arrival,
Sometimes I am good at fighting it back,
Other times….well I just have down days,
Days where I am a bit defeated.
Days where I can make a lot of mistakes, cry a lot, stare at the floor a lot, forget a lot of things, and barely function.
And that's okay.
The last few days I have had some grief, it's origins have been hard to pin point.
But tonight after an enjoyable meal with my husband that included one of my favorite alcoholic beverages and pizza my mind loosened up a bit, and so did my thoughts.
I proceeded to let it alllllllllll out.
I poured out my heart to the one I trust most in this world aside from Jesus, My Ryan.
And my sweet wonderful, loving, supportive husband sat and listened to it all.
I started letting it out at dinner,
Let it out during some precious sexy marital intercourse, Let it out while sitting on the toilet,
Let it out some more in the shower, let it out some more as we lay in bed,
And he tried so hard not to fall asleep, knowing that my heart needed the release.
About 4 months ago I weaned off of my depression meds with my husbands support, and also support from a few close friends- all who agreed to help me during the weaning off process, and to help me through depression without my meds.
My husband and my sweet supportive friends have blessed me greatly as they have all been trustworthy with my heart,
Even while battling depression.
Sometimes it gets messy, and sometimes I am not the best wife or friend-
But they stay here- and they are Jesus to me.
And this is what this post today is for- it is for them
This post is for my husband,
Who is always here trying his utmost to be here for me, he tries to empathize with my pain though he does not understand.
He does his utmost to love me even when I'm a crumpled mess of emotion.
He supports me, challenges me, helps me grow, encourages me to always be true to myself, and has lifted me up more than anyone I know. Ever. He is my equal in every way and I am so honored to be his wife. So blessed.
No matter my issues he always respects me and my thoughts, Cherishes me and my opinions, regards my struggles and he is grateful for my strengths, my independent spirit, and my feisty nature. He loves me- when I am up and when I am down all the same-
Like Jesus does.
This post is for My friends.
My sweet wonderful encouraging, Godly, wise, loving, compassionate friends.
Some have wonderful senses of humor that help me laugh at my own mistakes, and frustrations, which helps me to chin up and keep on keeping on!
Some call me and text me endlessly to make sure I'm alive and well and make me come out of myself to live and LOVE life the way every person should.
Some challenge me in my mind- to keep pushing for answers, keep searching for truth, keep testing and proving my faith until there is no doubt.
They love me for all that I am, good and bad, and everything in between and I have never felt ashamed while in their presence.
Some make me laugh till I cry.
Some make me contemplate everything over and over and over again until I feel like I may have it right, and then begin to contemplate it again!
Some pray for me without ceasing.
I may not even talk to some very often but they are always in my heart.
This post is about People.
Because of depression I have come to KNOW without a doubt that people are what matter.
People get me through my good days and my bad days.
People make my life full, rich, overwhelming happy and joyous.
Some may go their whole lives trying to obtain a type of righteous living,
Some type of favor with God and man.
Some type of life that excludes things they deem "sinful" or unsavory, unrighteous, or impure.
But this type of life and focus makes ME lose sight of what REALLY MATTERS…
People like my husband. People like my children.
People like my friends.
People like me who battle depression and mental illness.
People like my friend who's brother is gay and perfect in every way.
People like my friends friend who Transgendered into a woman.
People like my friend's friends who are lesbian who love Jesus, and got married and are missionaries.
People like a pastor I know who's son is a drug addict.
On and on and on the list goes.
Because when we are focused on piety,
The focus on humans is lost.
When we are focused on what is "pure and right" and not on the person,
Love is lost.
Jesus did not focus on righteousness,
He focused on people.
And he told us to focus on people.
He told us to love people.
He didn't say anything about hating sin- or lifestyles-
He just said "love"
It is not our responsibility to judge.
To condemn. To sneer, to mock, to call out sin,
Our only job is to love.
The scriptures say that the world will know us by our love.
Not by our piety.
Not by our purity
Not by our righteousness
Not by our upstanding morals
But By our love.
What does love look like friend?
When you begin to focus on love,
Everything else falls into place.
Jesus promised this,
That all the laws and the prophets are summed up in one commandment-
This post is for me to say,
I affirm PEOPLE.
I love PEOPLE.
I am grateful for PEOPLE
God made PEOPLE and he made us all equal and he sent his son for PEOPLE.
I will not reject anyone He died for-
No matter who they are, no matter where they are from, who they love, what they do,
What they wear, how they talk, how they look, how they act, what they chose, where they go,
I don't care-
I affirm their rights to chose and make decisions-
And I affirm MY RIGHT to love them and accept them EXACTLY the way they are, no restrictions, no changes needed-
I love them NOW and forever.
I love you, now and forever- just the way I want to be loved- that's how I chose to love you.